Musings of Mad Woman

I've decided that my next adventure should be home improvement.  Did I hear a big sigh of relief out there?  What, nothing dangerous you ask?  Yeah, I know what all of you are thinking.  I think you will approve of this next project.  I have always been afraid to try to fix things or paint things around the house.  I am definitely not a do-it-yourselfer fixer upper.  I would really rather pay someone to do it than try to do it myself.  So in the spirit of getting outside my comfort zone, I am going to attempt to paint all my upstairs rooms & my downstairs bathroom. Now I thought I should start with the bath rooms, but my daughter-in-law says they are actually the hardest rooms to do.  Shows you how much I know.  So maybe I'll start with my "guest" room upstairs.  That will thrill my cousin since right now it's her room as much as it is mine. Not sure what color I'm going with, but it has to go with the very light shade of green honeycomb shades. I don't really want to paint the walls green because I want to paint my bedroom a shade of green.  So I'll go to Lowe's to get some ideas, supplies & will go from there.  My next step is to find out what supplies I need.  I know I'll need a drop cloth, roller brush, paint brush & pan, what else though?  Some of that blue tape I was thinking so I don't paint the places I don't want to paint. So anyone out there who wants to give me a list of must haves, please do so.  I know I'm going to need a ladder, but when I went looking for one they were all over $100 & there were so many to choose from that I got overwhelmed & left without any ladder.  Now my son says they got a ladder for $25-$30 & for the life of me, I can't find a cheap one, so please enlighten me.  They're not at Lowe's or Walmart in da 'burg that's for sure.  Maybe I'll look at K-Mart.  Funny enough, I've been finding some pretty good deals there lately.  Anyway, that will be my next adventure.

But first it's off to the wild hot west!! I'm going to see #3 child graduate from his community college.  I am thrilled to say the least.  Even though he is already at the state university on his way to a 4-year degree, he is going to "walk" at the graduation.  I am just so proud I cannot stand it.  And I'm not just proud of him.  His bride has a lot to do with this accomplishment & I am over joyed that she has done everything to help him accomplish this important goal.  Love to both of them for working as partners. 

I think I have come a step closer to figuring out why the weekends are tougher for me than the week days. Unless I have plans to travel, where I am so comfortable in my car which is another whole thing, I really have trouble getting myself out of the house.  Weird, huh?  I think it's that comfort thing, safety thing, control thing I've got going on.  I just don't want to go "out there".  There may be a little aggraphobia going on, I don't know, but I've had this feeling before.  When I did full-time family home day care many, many years ago, there were times I didn't leave the house except to go to the commissionary or to church.  Some of it was because I didn't have any appropriate clothes & I was extrememly self-conscious about my weight, but I think it was also a feeling of being unprepared & fear really.  I just put so much energy into keeping everything else together that I guess I was exhausted & afraid.  I remember that is when my migraines started.  I didn't really know what a migraine was until I felt the pain so badly I couldn't move my head.  I needed a wet washcloth across my eyes, the room as black as night & total quiet.  I had to lay motionless & pray the pain would go away.  I had the worst nauseous feeling but never got completely sick. What a nightmare.  The migraines continued for many years even when we moved to the 'burg.  I can't remember though when they stopped.  But I haven't had one in a very long time.  I just thought about that.  I can't remember the last time I had one.  But the problem of leaving the house has raised it's ugly head again.  I couldn't leave the house today.  I missed Easter. I missed the fun of my grandchildren running around looking for Easter eggs.  I can't explain it. And tomorrow I will get up & go to work to start all over again.  Incredible. Every time I think I'm one step closer, I fall back 2 or 3. I can at least say, now I'm starting to recognize these things.  I guess that's a step in the right direction.  I guess it's time to make another appointment.  Honestly sometimes I think I'm making progress and other times, not so much.  Today was a not so much day. 

Today Ms. Wannabe doesn't have a clue.........

Day 2

Did I mention how heavy a motorcycle is?  Wow, it's heavy & I was on a smaller Buell model.  My 2nd day was all on the bike outside on the "range".  I still get a kick out of that.  We started very early, for me anyway, 8 am, on the bike to learn where everything is & went through a few drills to make sure we could turn it on & off.  No problem.  Then we put the bikes in Neutral & lined up single file & went to assigned spots to start the next drills.  No problem there except the bike was in neutral & is very heavy. We were "pushing" it while sitting on it.  Did you know you actually need leg muscles to do that?  So I was at a disadvantage & thought to myself, all the days you have been putting off going to the gym or even walking!!  I paid for it.  The only consolation was that everyone else felt it too.  The drills were okay, didn't exactly ace them.  We went to 1st gear & let the bike do most of the work, but we were still keeping our feet on the ground & were "pushing" it.  I didn't quite let the engine do all the work but maybe I did a little did which was not the point of the drill.  Next drill, I bombed.  We were supposed to go to 1st gear then do the feet on the ground thing, give it a little gas with the clutch & throttle & ride the darn thing.  What were they thinking?!!  Give it gas & ride it??  Well, I could not quite get through that particular fear.  I tried believe me I did give it all I could.  I even fell over, don't freak, I hit the pavement & they ran over & picked up the bike, notice I said picked up the BIKE.  I wasn't hurt in the least actually & was even laughing a little since it was more embarrassing than painful.  So I got back on the bike & tried again & again & again.  No more falling I'm proud to say, but I did almost run the instructor over.  He got a little scared.  Oh, & I wasn't the only one to fall ~ just wanted to go on record that I wasn't the only one!  So, I really had to admit I could not do the next drill since obviously each drill builds upon the one you were suppose to have mastered.  I didn't master it & they encouraged me to do it & maybe it would come while doing the drill, but as I said I could not over come the fear of hurting someone else due to my inability of controlling the bike in 1st gear & having control of the clutch & throttle.  The drill was single file going in short distances in 1st gear then safely stopping.  I just did not feel comfortable with that.  I honestly accessed my skill level & the possibility of hurting someone. Couldn't take that chance.  The worst part was that I started crying.  I felt so embarrassed that I couldn't control my emotions. I felt like a wuss. I felt the passion to accomplish my goal, but my doubts & fears could not be overcome so I was disappointed in myself. I was mad, embarrassed, sad & totally at the mercy of my emotions.  So they took me aside & let me work on my drill a little more to see if I could work it out.  I just couldn't quit.  But they couldn't give me all day to master my emotions as well as the bike.  They "suggested" I was done.  Although the instructor said it much more nicely & diplomatically.

This happened all before lunch!!  8 am to 11:30 am.  I stayed & watched until lunch time & came back.  I was not about to skulk away with my tail between my legs.  I went back to say goodbye & shake every one's hand.  I wanted to show a little class & dignity at least.  It isn't a bad thing to know & accept your limitations & be proud of what you did accomplish.  I wanted them to know I wasn't going to let this get me down. 

 So I did not complete the class I'm sorry to say.  I couldn't write about it yesterday when I got home.  I was too upset...and sore!  Man, I was sore in places I did not know could get sore.  So in the queen's chair I went for a good pity party.

I do allow myself to have those (pity parties) but I won't let myself get carried away with that particular emotion.  Okay, I couldn't do it. So what.  I tried & I'm proud of that.  It met my goal of getting out of my comfort zone.  And believe me this was way out there.  Sometimes you just have to know your limitations.  That's a good thing.  Sometimes you really don't know what your limitations are unless you try.  I tried. I loved it. It was awesome.  Am I disappointed? Sure.  Will I try again?  Maybe, but it is now not quite a priority or even a need.  It may be just a wish that it could have turned out differently.  That's okay with me. 

Today, I'm even more sore which I didn't think possible.  I let myself sleep for a good long, well deserved night's sleep.  My ego a little bruised, but not insurmountably so.  This little ego thing will definitely  pass & I will certainly live another day on my journey to find out who I wanna be.

Rider's Edge

It was 1st day of my New Rider Course at the Colonial Harley-Davidson dealership. Awesome!!  Today was all classroom & getting on a bike to familiarize yourself where everything is.  No we weren't outdoors riding it. That's tomorrow! Ya hooo! Can't wait.  Did I say it was awesome?  I am so excited about this I can't even describe it. This is the best thing I've ever done for myself.  There were 2 instructors for 10 people & tomorrow we will have a 3rd with us when we go on the "range" aka the parking lot driving course. There are 5 women in the class from short 5' to maybe 5'10" and age anywhere from 58 (me obviously) to 25.  Good mix.  Guys were 3 military, 1 college student & I can't remember what job the last guy had. All nice people. The instructors were great. It was all good.  So far, as I took a peek in the dealership, how could you not, I like the 883 Sportster.  Just my size. We'll see.  I told them I couldn't buy a bike from them because my brother works at a Honda dealership.  Are you reading this bro?  You KNOW at the end of the class the dealership guys are going to be all over us about selling us something.  They did give us a tour & we got to go in the maintenance/repair shop where they don't allow the public to see.  Very clean. I was impressed. Very organized & orderly.  We talked to the Parts manager & of course clothes & bikes.  Besides learning why wearing the motorcycle gear is important & not necessarily Harley gear just gear in general, I learned that this is a VERY expensive hobby.  This is not a fly-by night whim.  But somehow the dream of riding a bike on a beautiful autumn day with the feeling of freedom, exhilaration & power is really irresistible.

So now that I have you all worried about what is she thinking? has she lost her mind? how are we going to talk some sense into that crazy woman?!!  Everyone calm down.  This is just a destination, not the entire journey to get me on the road to who I wanna be.