Day 2

Did I mention how heavy a motorcycle is?  Wow, it's heavy & I was on a smaller Buell model.  My 2nd day was all on the bike outside on the "range".  I still get a kick out of that.  We started very early, for me anyway, 8 am, on the bike to learn where everything is & went through a few drills to make sure we could turn it on & off.  No problem.  Then we put the bikes in Neutral & lined up single file & went to assigned spots to start the next drills.  No problem there except the bike was in neutral & is very heavy. We were "pushing" it while sitting on it.  Did you know you actually need leg muscles to do that?  So I was at a disadvantage & thought to myself, all the days you have been putting off going to the gym or even walking!!  I paid for it.  The only consolation was that everyone else felt it too.  The drills were okay, didn't exactly ace them.  We went to 1st gear & let the bike do most of the work, but we were still keeping our feet on the ground & were "pushing" it.  I didn't quite let the engine do all the work but maybe I did a little did which was not the point of the drill.  Next drill, I bombed.  We were supposed to go to 1st gear then do the feet on the ground thing, give it a little gas with the clutch & throttle & ride the darn thing.  What were they thinking?!!  Give it gas & ride it??  Well, I could not quite get through that particular fear.  I tried believe me I did give it all I could.  I even fell over, don't freak, I hit the pavement & they ran over & picked up the bike, notice I said picked up the BIKE.  I wasn't hurt in the least actually & was even laughing a little since it was more embarrassing than painful.  So I got back on the bike & tried again & again & again.  No more falling I'm proud to say, but I did almost run the instructor over.  He got a little scared.  Oh, & I wasn't the only one to fall ~ just wanted to go on record that I wasn't the only one!  So, I really had to admit I could not do the next drill since obviously each drill builds upon the one you were suppose to have mastered.  I didn't master it & they encouraged me to do it & maybe it would come while doing the drill, but as I said I could not over come the fear of hurting someone else due to my inability of controlling the bike in 1st gear & having control of the clutch & throttle.  The drill was single file going in short distances in 1st gear then safely stopping.  I just did not feel comfortable with that.  I honestly accessed my skill level & the possibility of hurting someone. Couldn't take that chance.  The worst part was that I started crying.  I felt so embarrassed that I couldn't control my emotions. I felt like a wuss. I felt the passion to accomplish my goal, but my doubts & fears could not be overcome so I was disappointed in myself. I was mad, embarrassed, sad & totally at the mercy of my emotions.  So they took me aside & let me work on my drill a little more to see if I could work it out.  I just couldn't quit.  But they couldn't give me all day to master my emotions as well as the bike.  They "suggested" I was done.  Although the instructor said it much more nicely & diplomatically.

This happened all before lunch!!  8 am to 11:30 am.  I stayed & watched until lunch time & came back.  I was not about to skulk away with my tail between my legs.  I went back to say goodbye & shake every one's hand.  I wanted to show a little class & dignity at least.  It isn't a bad thing to know & accept your limitations & be proud of what you did accomplish.  I wanted them to know I wasn't going to let this get me down. 

 So I did not complete the class I'm sorry to say.  I couldn't write about it yesterday when I got home.  I was too upset...and sore!  Man, I was sore in places I did not know could get sore.  So in the queen's chair I went for a good pity party.

I do allow myself to have those (pity parties) but I won't let myself get carried away with that particular emotion.  Okay, I couldn't do it. So what.  I tried & I'm proud of that.  It met my goal of getting out of my comfort zone.  And believe me this was way out there.  Sometimes you just have to know your limitations.  That's a good thing.  Sometimes you really don't know what your limitations are unless you try.  I tried. I loved it. It was awesome.  Am I disappointed? Sure.  Will I try again?  Maybe, but it is now not quite a priority or even a need.  It may be just a wish that it could have turned out differently.  That's okay with me. 

Today, I'm even more sore which I didn't think possible.  I let myself sleep for a good long, well deserved night's sleep.  My ego a little bruised, but not insurmountably so.  This little ego thing will definitely  pass & I will certainly live another day on my journey to find out who I wanna be.