The 13th

I'm not really superstitious. Friday the 13th has no meaning to me. I usually don't even remember when the day arrives.  It's just like any other day.  So why title this entry the 13th?  Well, read on.

Sunday, the 13th, was a bad day.  I don't know why or what happened, but I fell into the darkness again.  It was not the deep, deep kind, but still something wasn't quite right. Honestly it's gone now. It passed.  I don't have a clue as to what or why. Still I was so sad. I was sobbing really.  Then out of the blue my daughter called me. I tried to talk but at some point in the conversation I said I couldn't talk anymore & I tried to hang up.  My daughter stepped right up to the plate & hit a home run.  She said not to go, that I didn't have to talk, just listen. What a gift she gave me. I stayed on the phone & listened trying not to cry but not really.  But as she talked gradually she engaged me into the conversation. She didn't panic or seem nervous. She just talked as we might normally do.   I was trying to stay with her, her voice was calm yet deliberate not like she was just running on about nothing.  She was talking to me & before you know it, we were actually talking to each other & if I remember correctly we may have had a couple of chuckles there at the end.  I felt so much better.  One, because she didn't let me go, she didn't give up on me, she wouldn't let me give up on myself, she wouldn't allow me to be alone.  I don't know if she intuitively knew what to do or she's been reading up on depression, but what ever caused her to keep me on the phone it was the right thing to do.  I think I would have just gone on my bed & had a really good cry, but afterward I didn't need to.  I felt better.

Not everyone knows what to do.  I think because it's awkward. I think fear has a part in there too.  And ignorance about the illness.  The people who love you don't want to make it worse or they think they can't help or don't know what to do.  But doing nothing is not a good idea.  Sometimes I don't even know what will help.  But my daughter knew.  Maybe the bond is still there.  I thought maybe I had lost it completely-the bond between us.  Now I think differently.  Maybe she was just inspired to call me which grew into a prompting to not let me go.  Maybe a combination of things.  Whatever it was, I am grateful.

No reporting on stretching my comfort zone tonight. Although I think about it every day.  One major theme with those that read Ms. Wannabe seems to be don't do the motorcycle thing.  It's too dangerous.  Just so no one worries too much, I just want to try it for one day.  I'm not planning on becoming a biker chick or something.  Not joining any motorcycle gangs. Not buying a motorcycle. So relax everyone.  At this point the motorcycle is on the back burner & has been replaced with the wind surfing courtesy of my brother. 

So rest easy, no worries, just dreams of who I wannabe.............