The Invisable Disease

I'm taking a risk here but it does fit my focus this year.  I suffer with depression. I talk the talk about how no one wants to admit they have it but yet if we don't, we may never conquer the prejudices that are facing us every day.  I keep saying this country doesn't talk about it, it's the invisible disease which isn't getting the funding or attention it needs. But am I talking about it myself?  Well hello, no I'm not.  I am just as afraid of those prejudices as every one else.  So I guess this is step #1.  Talking about it where I feel safe with my family.  Who knows who else by read this?  But that's okay too.  I know there is a stigma that's probably not going away any time soon, but if I am going to face my fears I guess this is as good a place as any to start.

Depression runs in my family.  I think at least 5 generations that I'm aware of.  Genetics is part of the puzzle.  So I guess it makes a lot of sense that I have it.  I don't know when it started but looking back, I may have had it since I was in high school.  Not severely, but I think it was there.  I'm sure it was there from my 30's on, but did not recognize it until around 1998 or 1999.  I didn't take it very seriously though. I took a very, very low dosage of medication & I thought that was enough. It was just enough to, as they say, take the edge off.  It fought off the dark cloud over head & kept me in reality...pretty much.   I didn't realize that it could progress and/or get worse. But it did & now I'm taking it seriously.  I'm really taking care of myself much more seriously in general these days.  So it's a learning process.  I have tortured my family with the affects of my disease. I certainly didn't do any of it intentionally & they know that.  In fact, they have all shown me compassion & love.  It made a great deal of difference. For me my depression alienated me to the point where I could not see what was important & I couldn't remember that my family loves me.  Depression is so hard to explain.  I was thinking about that this week.  How would I describe it?

This is what I came up with....

Imagine you're in a big box, like when you were a kid & some big appliance was bought & so the kids all played in the empty box.  So at first the flap is open & you see outside the box, but your sight is limited. Then your younger sibling comes by & closes the flap so you can't out. You get scared & start screaming & eventually he/she opens the flap for you.  So you kind of go in & out of the box because it's still there & hasn't fallen apart yet so you go back in from time to time. Then you start feeling comfortable in there, but suddenly the flap closes, just a little but not like when your sibling wouldn't let you out.  You feel okay because you know you still can go out. You can still see the light.  But every day the flap closes a little more & a little more.  You feel something is wrong, but you don't know what it is...and your sibling is not around so you can't figure out why the flap continues to close.  But your eyes start adjusting to the increasing darkness so it's okay.  I mean afterall you can still see, right?  Then the flap closes completely & you panic. You start having anxiety attacks because you can't get out & you know something is wrong, but you can't figure out what's wrong.  Remember your eyes have adjusted to not being able to see the light. You are in the dark. It's very dark. You feel scared. You feel troubled. You feel something's not right, but you start getting use to it.  Now the darkness in the box is your home. You don't fight it anymore. That's just the way it is.  But every so often you think you can see something, maybe a little light is coming through the cracks of the box flaps.  You feel a moment of clarity & you try to fight the darkness & get out. You start screaming & fighting the darkness, just like when you were a kid, but you just can't do it so you go back to letting your eyes adjust to the darkness. You are there & that's where you are going to stay until you absolutely cannot stand it anymore.  You just hate the darkness. You hate not being able to figure anything out. You feel like a failure. You feel desolate. You feel alone. You feel confused. You feel lost. So many negative feelings. You think that really there is no hope of ever getting out of the box. So you don't want or really you can't take it anymore.  So you do things to yourself that are so unthinkable & destructive they are unspeakable.

That's what depression is like for me.  It's not everything, but it's as good as I can give you today.  I googled the word depression & found some information.  I have put it at the end of the blog.  I'm trying to learn about my disease.  I thought some others would find it interesting.

Depression is a serious biologic disease that affects millions of people each year. An estimated 33 to 35 million U.S. adults are likely to experience depression at some point during their lifetime. The disease affects men and women of all ages, races, and economic levels. However, women are at a significantly greater risk than men to develop major depression. Studies show that episodes of depression occur twice as frequently in women as in men. (can't find the source, I think it's from a pharmacutical company)

More than just a bout of the blues, depression isn't a weakness, nor is it something that you can simply "snap out" of. Depression is a chronic illness that usually requires long-term treatment, like diabetes or high blood pressure. But don't get discouraged. Most people with depression feel better with medication, psychological counseling or other treatment.  By Mayo Clinic staff

From:  NATIONAL INSTITUTE OF MENTAL HEALTH

What Is Depression?

Everyone occasionally feels blue or sad, but these feelings are usually fleeting and pass within a couple of days. When a person has a depressive disorder, it interferes with daily life, normal functioning, and causes pain for both the person with the disorder and those who care about him or her. Depression is a common but serious illness, and most who experience it need treatment to get better. 



There's a lot more to these articles, but you can find them if you are really interested.  I think everyone in our family should familiarize themselves with the symptons.  Knowledge is power after all.

I love my family.  I am glad we are all looking after each other just a little more. It really helps me figure out who I wannabe.


There is no single known cause of depression. Rather, it likely results from a combination of genetic, biochemical, environmental, and psychological factors.